This is EXACTLY the Problem!

LQQKIN4HIM is a 36-year old Caucasian who bills herself as "the girl next door." She is blonde and mildly attractive (in a certain light), and typically, for an online dating site, has posted pictures of herself gyrating in a bar while wearing some poor scmuck's cowboy hat. Her nose shows the puffy redness of Bill Clinton's and her eyes seem strangely out of focus in the picture. The message is clear: I am drunk.

When chicks claim to be the "girl next door," I suppose it is supposed to conjure up certain images in one's mind. I always think of the pretty, feminine, and subdued chicks on The Andy Griffith Show (black and white episodes) when I hear "the girl next door." I expect that a "girl next door" will have traditional morals, recognize the importance of gender roles, and have lived a pretty conservative life, as she is "saving herself for her husband."

But let's see what the neighbors were like in LQQKIN4HIM's town were like....

First, she is divorced. Now there are two kinds of divorces: legitimate ones and the ones that women initiate. Further down in her profile, we learn that her marriage, like 88.37512% of all divorces initiated by women, was one in which "we just grew apart." Oddly, it apparently never occurred to this "girl next door" that the level of commitment immortalized in all the great classic marriages is one in which one works hard at growing together, and keeping it together. Odd, isn't it too, that given this idea she would admit later in her profile that her "friends consider me lazy."

Her "interests" are clearly designed to present the image of a serious, well-read, adult individual who is greatly concerned about the welfare of humankind and who deeply reflects upon the issues of the day. It includes such weighty matters as "philosophy," "politics," "humanitarian service," "superhero-ing"... oh, wait... that's not what HER "interests" are, I am thinking bout MY dating profile from back in the day!!! No, HER "interests" include, uhhhhh, aerobics, karaoke, and "beach." Yes, without the definite article.

Soooooooo, homeless shelters and sacrificing a year of college for a Mormon mission or to take care of granny is out of the question for this girl, it appears! Rather, she is a free-spirited teenager whose favorite word is "FUN" and primary complaint is "THAT ISN'T FUN" and primary compliment is "THAT'S/YOU'RE FUN!" In fact, she wants you to take her to concerts and insists that there is "nothing like a beer in your hand and sand between your toes!"

Yet, pathetically, she also notes, "I am bored with bars."

Here is the neurosis of the modern, femtardist Oprahite on parade: "My entire experience has degenerated into the quest for 'fun' and positive experiences, and my life and character have become so shallow that frankly, I am bored with it all."

Having sacrificed her children and marriage on the altar of "irreconcilable differences," the modern femtard (who is a girl-next-door only to Albert Camus) has come to the point at which the alcohol, the psych drugs, the booty calls, the spending of money, and the grinding of their collective behind against the groins of total strangers in clubs provides only temporary relief, or worse, distraction, from the inner vacuum that used to be filled with the self-sacrifice that necessarily accompanies the ability to love others.

Say what you will. Women, barefoot and pregnant, had a lot that the modern beer-swigging, hip-hopping, strip-clubbing, aerobics-performing, beachcombing, karaoke+giggles+eternal quest for fun, busty adolescents don't have.

They had character. They had peace. They had contentment. And they had the love and appreciation of men who would die for them.

Is it any wonder that someone as wholly self-absorbed as LQQKIN4HIM would, after a lifetime of self-centeredness, treat her potential dates as if they are second-class citizens by noting "my family and children will always come before you."

And given that statement, is it any wonder that she professes, "I can't seem to find what I want! I have plenty of friends... but need someone to make me the center of their world! Why is it so hard to find?"

I may have the answer to that question.... In fact, I think the answer to the question is contained within the question itself.

Chicks can't do math.

Let's get something straight, Chickies - God made you beautiful because you can't do math!!!

Blue-Eyed Seduction (her real screen name) is a 38-year old woman whose willowy blonde hair and pillowy lips (and other pillowy attractions, if you get my drift) make her every 15-year old's dream. Make her a teacher and she would be the motivation behind the whole Russian army pulling itself through puberty simultaneously.

And she really wants to be taken seriously (unfortunately). She is a financial advisor by trade, which is quite worrisome, when you read what she has to say about her mixed-race heritage:

I AM HALF BLACK FOOT INDIAN, IRISH AND WHITE.

Yes, she is half Blackfoot Indian, half Irish, and half Caucasian. Exactly. And this woman is gonna be calculating dividends, interest rates, and maybe balancing your money market account?

The one thing we know for sure about her is that she may be half Blackfoot, half Irish, and half white, but she is 100% bad at math.

See? This is why God gave chicks boobs - it's His divine exemption for you: you don't have to do math! Find a semi-bright guy to do it for you!

And for those of you who might be clients of Blue-Eyed Seduction, if she really is a financial advisor, you might want to find a semi-bright guy to do that for you as well.

Stupid Chick Trick of the Day: "Yo, whaddup?"

Time to practice your shuttingtheheckup....

Shundra is a 32-year old African-American who wants you to know that she speaks, that she speaks Ghettoese, and that she just keeps speaking long after it would have made sense to shut up.

Below, in all caps, is her actual dating profile. Yes, DATING profile. She expects you to ask her out based on this lunatic rant. If you are interested, she is quite satisfied with dinner and a movie. Since not everyone speaks Ghettopsycho, I have provided a translation of her ghettopsycho rant into the King's English....

O.K. MEN ITS LIKE THIS

Don't expect me to be rational, to negotiate, or even to be responsive to you and your needs. I am, after all, the modern, Black, Feminist woman! I make the rules and the world can go to hell if it doesn't like my rules!

I'VE BEEN ON HERE NOT EVEN 3 WKS I RECEIVED A COUPLE OF #'S & 1 OF THEM WAS FROM [name deleted] & 2 DAY HIS BABYMOMMA SOON 2 BE WIFE CALLED ME

Be certain that dating me just once will result in your being dragged onto the Jerry Springer show at least twice! I like to air my laundry in public!

I HAD NO CLUE HE WAS INVOLED WIT ANY 1, I DONT HAVE TIME FA FEMALES 2 BE CALLIN MY PHONE SO WHAT I'M ABOUT 2 SAY LISTEN & LISTEN WELL,

When one is as ghetto fabulous as I am, hangin out with chicks and learning to spell complex verbal units like "one," "to" and "for" are just too much of an investment to expect me to make. If you are going to cheat on me, it is really for the best if you keep it a secret, because I WILL make a scene!

I AM NOT ON HERE FA A 1 NITE STAND, BOOTY CALL, OR 2 BE DA SIDEKICK OR JUMPOFF, SO PLEASE SAVE YA SELF SUM TROUBLE BY NOT EVEN SENDIN ME YA # CAUSE IM GONNA BLAST U LIKE IM BLASTIN HIM

1) See "Jerry Springer" reference above....

2) Oprah has me convinced that no matter how much of a wastrel that I have been with my own life to this point, that I have the right to expect men to treat me as if I were not on psych drugs, had no criminal record, had a functioning car and credit card, and hadn't had six babies by seven different men.

I DO NOT HAVE TIME FA THESE CHILDISH A** GAMES

I am in my 30s and have just awakened to the fact that I have, myself, wasted three decades with my own childish a** games. When men were ready to settle down with me in my twenties, I was busy "having fun" and "living it up," because that is what the talking goat in my Women's Studies class said I could do now that the sexual revolution had taken place. Unfortunately, I didn't foresee some of the consequences of fulfilling my feminist destiny, so right now I don't need anyone else making a situation that I have already screwed up any worse. So even though I haven't managed to become an adult in three decades, I expect you guys to have your crap straight and pronto! I am, after all, a princess!

THIS IS HOW U GET CUT,

See "Jerry Springer" reference above....

SO BE REAL CAUSE IM ALWAYS 100 REAL,

You should act like what you really are, after all I am doing you the favor of letting you know that I am a ghetto fabulous psycho by posting this screed to a dating site. Remember the Golden Rule, fellas!

I DONT WANT NOBODY WHO IS STILL BANGIN DA BABYMOMMA, I DONT NOBODY'S HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND OR SUM WHO GAME AINT TIGHT, I MEAN D*** WHERE R MA REAL MEN AT, I LIKE 2 BE DA 1 & ONLY, THIS IS WHY IM SINGLE BECAUSE N***** ALWAYS TRYNNA GET SUM EXTRA A** ON DA SIDE BUT IM NOT DA 1. I NEED SUMBODY THATS GONNA BE MY PRINCE & IM HIS PRINCESS,

1) See "princess" reference above.

2) I am a real handful, as are all psychos. You will need to devote all of your time to romancing me because it is very difficult to a) get me into the straitjacket, and b) get me out of the straitjacket, so if you are wasting your energy bangin on the babymomma, you ain't gonna be able to keep up with me and my straitjacket olympics here.

BUT I C MEN R DA SAME ALL OVER NO MATTER WHERE U MOVE 2, I'M WRITIN THIS NOT BECAUSE I'M BITTER BUT BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF DA GAMES I'M READY 2 SETTLE DOWN BUT R MEN R NOT.

1) I can't spell, so I play phonetic games and hope you can figure it all out. But just wait and see how long it takes me to start complaining that you don't "communicate" with me!

2) I have wasted three decades of my life playin' games with my life, and it has made me exceedingly bitter to wake up and realize how I have wasted myself.

3) Though I have been playin' games my whole life, I don't like for the guys that are into me to be playin' games, because, after all, there are a different set of rules for guys and gals.

4) I had a blow up in my last relationship that was so bad that the cops told me I needed to get out of town. Now it looks like a second blow up is coming here! Where, oh, where can I go to find some milquetoast men who will simply be quiet and let me have my way as a "strong, independent, black woman?"

Online Dating Profile of the Day

High IQ? Actually, it's a tie....

It will never cease to amaze me how stupid chicks are. The stupidest chicks by far, however, are those who are thoroughly convinced of their own brilliance.

Moxxiegrrl is a 42 year old Caucasian female who has managed to accomplish some pretty incredible things in life! Like become the CEO of a company, you ask? Well, not exactly. Like discover a cure for AIDS? No, not really that either. Like earn a bazillion dollars in the stock market while raising a passel of well-adjusted kids? No, not exactly. Like have a scrumptious career as the hottest porn star ever. Uhhh, no. Well, what exactly has she done then? Oh, plenty - like get admitted to a public graduate school. Her profession is, of course, "student." She writes of herself that "I consider myself intelligent." Of course you do, sweetheart. And after all, it is your own thoughts and opinions that matter most, right? Now hurry and go put this bikini on, willya?

She then writes, "Politically speaking, I'm hoping to find someone who is not ashamed to admit they are a progressive Democrat or a liberal. Openmindedness is a virtue...."

Ok, slacktard. Let's reason this out since you are so intelligent, shall we? If you are having trouble finding a man who 1) is not ashamed to admit his libtard orientation while simultaneously 2) not residing in an insane ward, it is probably because the Democrat party has so thoroughly discredited itself that there is no man capable of thought either under or on top of a rock anywhere that does not blush to take his voter registration card out and see "D" impressed upon its face.

But what do you suppose Moxxietard means by "openmindedness" here? Well, when a touchy-feely femtard who considers herself enlightened and bright (and trust me, Moxx, a graduate degree in Women's Studies does not at all indicate that you have been enlightened, or even educated for that matter) whines that she can't find anybody who is sufficiently "openminded" for her taste, she is really saying this:

"While I feel that my Ph.D. in Russian Queer Literature indicates that I am quite bright, nevertheless when I get into a political discussion with a male auto mechanic at the local bar he always seems to be able to marshal more facts for his conservative/libertarian/middle-of-the-road views than I can. This makes me feel bad. I don't like to feel bad. Therefore, what I need is to find some milquetoast mumblegoof who is too much of a priss to even challenge my beliefs so that I will not have to defend them, which I obviously am incapable of doing, and therefore, I can continue to assert how bright I am while spouting a heaping, steaming pile of nonsense. Unchallenged by the truth, of course, my radical feminist queertard views look quite legitimate and that makes me feel all warm inside!"

Translation: When you see a woman listing "openmindedness" as a desirable trait in her online profile, you should read it as "I am looking for someone who will not confront my thoroughly erroneous radical feminist belief system with anything resembling logic or facts." Openmindedness, to the modern woman, is the ability to allow her to proudly maintain her irrational doctrines and build whole new stories into her castles in the air while smiling broadly and gently mouthing the phrase, "Yes, dear."