Sunday, December 26, 2010

This is EXACTLY the Problem!

LQQKIN4HIM is a 36-year old Caucasian who bills herself as "the girl next door." She is blonde and mildly attractive (in a certain light), and typically, for an online dating site, has posted pictures of herself gyrating in a bar while wearing some poor scmuck's cowboy hat. Her nose shows the puffy redness of Bill Clinton's and her eyes seem strangely out of focus in the picture. The message is clear: I am drunk.

When chicks claim to be the "girl next door," I suppose it is supposed to conjure up certain images in one's mind. I always think of the pretty, feminine, and subdued chicks on The Andy Griffith Show (black and white episodes) when I hear "the girl next door." I expect that a "girl next door" will have traditional morals, recognize the importance of gender roles, and have lived a pretty conservative life, as she is "saving herself for her husband."

But let's see what the neighbors were like in LQQKIN4HIM's town were like....

First, she is divorced. Now there are two kinds of divorces: legitimate ones and the ones that women initiate. Further down in her profile, we learn that her marriage, like 88.37512% of all divorces initiated by women, was one in which "we just grew apart." Oddly, it apparently never occurred to this "girl next door" that the level of commitment immortalized in all the great classic marriages is one in which one works hard at growing together, and keeping it together. Odd, isn't it too, that given this idea she would admit later in her profile that her "friends consider me lazy."

Her "interests" are clearly designed to present the image of a serious, well-read, adult individual who is greatly concerned about the welfare of humankind and who deeply reflects upon the issues of the day. It includes such weighty matters as "philosophy," "politics," "humanitarian service," "superhero-ing"... oh, wait... that's not what HER "interests" are, I am thinking bout MY dating profile from back in the day!!! No, HER "interests" include, uhhhhh, aerobics, karaoke, and "beach." Yes, without the definite article.

Soooooooo, homeless shelters and sacrificing a year of college for a Mormon mission or to take care of granny is out of the question for this girl, it appears! Rather, she is a free-spirited teenager whose favorite word is "FUN" and primary complaint is "THAT ISN'T FUN" and primary compliment is "THAT'S/YOU'RE FUN!" In fact, she wants you to take her to concerts and insists that there is "nothing like a beer in your hand and sand between your toes!"

Yet, pathetically, she also notes, "I am bored with bars."

Here is the neurosis of the modern, femtardist Oprahite on parade: "My entire experience has degenerated into the quest for 'fun' and positive experiences, and my life and character have become so shallow that frankly, I am bored with it all."

Having sacrificed her children and marriage on the altar of "irreconcilable differences," the modern femtard (who is a girl-next-door only to Albert Camus) has come to the point at which the alcohol, the psych drugs, the booty calls, the spending of money, and the grinding of their collective behind against the groins of total strangers in clubs provides only temporary relief, or worse, distraction, from the inner vacuum that used to be filled with the self-sacrifice that necessarily accompanies the ability to love others.

Say what you will. Women, barefoot and pregnant, had a lot that the modern beer-swigging, hip-hopping, strip-clubbing, aerobics-performing, beachcombing, karaoke+giggles+eternal quest for fun, busty adolescents don't have.

They had character. They had peace. They had contentment. And they had the love and appreciation of men who would die for them.

Is it any wonder that someone as wholly self-absorbed as LQQKIN4HIM would, after a lifetime of self-centeredness, treat her potential dates as if they are second-class citizens by noting "my family and children will always come before you."

And given that statement, is it any wonder that she professes, "I can't seem to find what I want! I have plenty of friends... but need someone to make me the center of their world! Why is it so hard to find?"

I may have the answer to that question.... In fact, I think the answer to the question is contained within the question itself.