Thursday, April 28, 2011

My "Chickspeak Decoder Ring" in Action!

So I have been cruising the dating profiles again, and am so flummoxed by them generally that I cannot focus on just one to mock and humiliate. So I decided to use this entry to demonstrate the superior understanding of women that I have by using my "Chickspeak Decoder Ring" (I received mine in a box of Cracker Jacks bought at the movies - you know, one of the BIG boxes, not the tiny ones with the paper "prizes" in them) to demonstrate my ability to understand what women are talking about, even when they don't understand what they are talking about.

Below are a series of statements that I have purloined from various dating profiles, and their interpretation beside them....

  • "Just want to have fun/be happy" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that I have fun or am happy."
  • "Looking for something real/Are there any real men left?" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "My prerogative as a woman is that I get to define what REAL relationships are and even what REAL manhood is."
  • "I am me./I am just me." (occurs repeatedly) - trans., 1) I am a retard, having been convinced by Oprah that the obvious is profound. 2) I am exactly what I want to be, neuroses and all, and you have to accept me as I am. Don't worry, however, I will be exerting every effort to change YOU into the image I have of what a man ought to be" (see "real man" above).
  • "Looking for a professional man." - trans., "You better be a doctor or lawyer if you are gonna afford me."
  • "Looking for friends only." - trans., "I want you to take the initiative of inviting me out and paying for everything, but don't expect any sex or affection from me. I am basically just a cute freeloader."
  • "I enjoy intelligent conversation." - trans., "I enjoy conversations in which you make me feel intelligent by agreeing with everything I say no matter how ridiculous it is."
  • "Take a chance on me." - trans., "I am a 'risk-on' chick! At the end of our relationship (and it WILL end), you will be facing alimony and/or child support and/or jail and/or the looney bin. Just like all the others...."
  • "No game players!" - trans., "I will play enough games for both of us. If you are playing games too, you will get in my way. Leave the game-playing to me."
  • "Seeking Godly man." - trans., "Stop looking at my cleavage. I know I posted a picture of my cleavage, but stop looking anyway."
  • "I am independent and DO NOT NEED a man." - trans., "I am incapable of forming a meaningful relationship with another person because I have never learned that a relationship demands a certain amount of intermingling and dependence upon another."
  • "My kids are grown and it is time for me!" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "The state demanded that I focus on my kids for X years or they would take my kids away, but now that they are gone I am free to give free reign to my untrammeled narcissism, so watch out!"
  • "Are there any GOOD men left?" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "Every time I get around a guy he runs away screaming; and since I am such a sweetie, the problem must be him, so they are not good guys. So are there any good guys, i.e., guys who will not run away screaming when I pop the lid off of crazy?"

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