My "Chickspeak Decoder Ring" in Action!

So I have been cruising the dating profiles again, and am so flummoxed by them generally that I cannot focus on just one to mock and humiliate. So I decided to use this entry to demonstrate the superior understanding of women that I have by using my "Chickspeak Decoder Ring" (I received mine in a box of Cracker Jacks bought at the movies - you know, one of the BIG boxes, not the tiny ones with the paper "prizes" in them) to demonstrate my ability to understand what women are talking about, even when they don't understand what they are talking about.

Below are a series of statements that I have purloined from various dating profiles, and their interpretation beside them....

• "Just want to have fun/be happy" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "It is YOUR responsibility to make sure that I have fun or am happy."
• "Looking for something real/Are there any real men left?" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "My prerogative as a woman is that I get to define what REAL relationships are and even what REAL manhood is."
• "I am me./I am just me." (occurs repeatedly) - trans., 1) I am a retard, having been convinced by Oprah that the obvious is profound. 2) I am exactly what I want to be, neuroses and all, and you have to accept me as I am. Don't worry, however, I will be exerting every effort to change YOU into the image I have of what a man ought to be" (see "real man" above).
• "Looking for a professional man." - trans., "You better be a doctor or lawyer if you are gonna afford me."
• "Looking for friends only." - trans., "I want you to take the initiative of inviting me out and paying for everything, but don't expect any sex or affection from me. I am basically just a cute freeloader."
• "I enjoy intelligent conversation." - trans., "I enjoy conversations in which you make me feel intelligent by agreeing with everything I say no matter how ridiculous it is."
• "Take a chance on me." - trans., "I am a 'risk-on' chick! At the end of our relationship (and it WILL end), you will be facing alimony and/or child support and/or jail and/or the looney bin. Just like all the others...."
• "No game players!" - trans., "I will play enough games for both of us. If you are playing games too, you will get in my way. Leave the game-playing to me."
• "Seeking Godly man." - trans., "Stop looking at my cleavage. I know I posted a picture of my cleavage, but stop looking anyway."
• "I am independent and DO NOT NEED a man." - trans., "I am incapable of forming a meaningful relationship with another person because I have never learned that a relationship demands a certain amount of intermingling and dependence upon another."
• "My kids are grown and it is time for me!" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "The state demanded that I focus on my kids for X years or they would take my kids away, but now that they are gone I am free to give free reign to my untrammeled narcissism, so watch out!"
• "Are there any GOOD men left?" (occurs repeatedly) - trans., "Every time I get around a guy he runs away screaming; and since I am such a sweetie, the problem must be him, so they are not good guys. So are there any good guys, i.e., guys who will not run away screaming when I pop the lid off of crazy?"
  

Watching Family Feud

Because it is snowing tonight, we decided to stay in and watch Family Feud.

One family is all white women. One family is all black women except for one black man.

For those who insist that stereotypes are NOT legitimate, check out these answers:

Emcee: "Name something you would want to know about the person your ex is dating?"

Black woman: "How many kids she has!"

White woman: "Is she prettier than me?"

What Women Are Lacking

Carolinagirl is single and 6'2. When you see that height on a woman's dating profile, you, I think reflexively, begin to wonder if there has been a sex change in her past.

And I assure you that her picture does nothing to relieve one of this suspicion.

The title of her dating profile is:

Carolinagirl: Looking for My Solemate

Yes. Read it again.

I have diligently searched her profile to see if this might be some sort of fetish pun. I find nothing about footlicking in the profile. So my assumption, based partly upon the stereotype that women are not that bright (which is borne out again and again) and based partly upon the objective evidence that I have gleaned from her profile (see below), that she meant one thing and said another.

Stereotypically, this is again a characteristic of the female mind....

But the "solemate" issue does suggest a couple of lines of thinking about women that might be valuable to pursue in depth at some point, but I will simply note them and hope that your own ruminations might be encouraged.

* When women, en masse, seem to lack certain basic, foundational, and necessary information as the difference between "sole" and "soul," how can they be relied upon to know anything else?

* When women, en masse, aren't even quite sure of what they are looking for (a person with a nearly existential and cosmic relation with whom to share the duration of one's life or a foot-oriented fetish partner?), how can they ever be expected to find it?

* When women's communication skills (en masse) are so poor, how can they take offense when men don't know what the heck they are talking about?

* When women, en masse, are confused about the simple stuff (like spelling), how exactly is it that they are qualified to participate in discussions on more abstract subjects?

Helpfully, the remainder of her profile reinforces the conclusions that we have inferred from her great trouble expressing herself in the title of her profile. Here it is:

I am loving person.
Seeking the same.
Looking for a friend that may lead to someting more.
I have a 13 year old son he is my whole world.
He plays baseball and drums.
We have a dog.

If the unexamined life is not worth living, then Carolinagirl must be dead. Yet, except for including "I like to laugh and have fun," this is, minus spelling errors and Neanderthal syntax, pretty much the typical female dating profile. It has all required elements:

* Gratuitous self-puffery (I am loving person).

* Vague or incomprehensible dating requirements that are intended to attract everyone but serve as a grounds for dismissal of anyone (Seeking same).

* Ridiculous nonsensical definition of a relationship included because it sounds great to female ears without any comprehension of how utterly incompatible it sounds to anything that a male would ever be looking for (Looking for a friend that may lead to someting more.). [NOTE TO LADIES: When men go out with their "friends," they go Dutch. Ya feelin' me?]

* Gratuitous nonsense intended to demonstrate the ideal of female independence (which is, by the way, the ideal ONLY to females) but which in fact demonstrates that the person who writes it is incapable of forming a lasting relationship (I have a 13 year old son he is my whole world.). [NOTE TO LADIES: Any fooltard who would maintain that they already possess "their whole world" and yet needs me is incapable of rational thought. Further, those of you who maintain that your "children will always be first" demonstrate that you have a basic misunderstanding of romance and marriage so extreme that it communicates fully why you are single today, and why you are unfit for a long-term relationship with anyone - ever.]

* Fooltard nonsense meant to cultivate an image of soft humanity (We have dog.).

* Evidence of extreme ignorance (Misspellings and pidgin English.).

In many respects, Carolinagirl is typical of every female dating profile in the world. The astounding lack of knowledge of life generally (including such basic matters as the distinction between "sole" and "soul" and the ability to spell) and astounding lack of personal insight indicates the self-absorption and basic lack of life and relationship skills that feminism has instilled into the great retarded mass that is the female of the modern Western world.

Do you not find it strange, as I do, that on a dating profile, in which one would be tempted to believe that a person might put one's best foot forward, that the most insight one can muster about herself and her life is "I am a loving person who owns a dog"???

This is EXACTLY the Problem!

LQQKIN4HIM is a 36-year old Caucasian who bills herself as "the girl next door." She is blonde and mildly attractive (in a certain light), and typically, for an online dating site, has posted pictures of herself gyrating in a bar while wearing some poor scmuck's cowboy hat. Her nose shows the puffy redness of Bill Clinton's and her eyes seem strangely out of focus in the picture. The message is clear: I am drunk.

When chicks claim to be the "girl next door," I suppose it is supposed to conjure up certain images in one's mind. I always think of the pretty, feminine, and subdued chicks on The Andy Griffith Show (black and white episodes) when I hear "the girl next door." I expect that a "girl next door" will have traditional morals, recognize the importance of gender roles, and have lived a pretty conservative life, as she is "saving herself for her husband."

But let's see what the neighbors were like in LQQKIN4HIM's town were like....

First, she is divorced. Now there are two kinds of divorces: legitimate ones and the ones that women initiate. Further down in her profile, we learn that her marriage, like 88.37512% of all divorces initiated by women, was one in which "we just grew apart." Oddly, it apparently never occurred to this "girl next door" that the level of commitment immortalized in all the great classic marriages is one in which one works hard at growing together, and keeping it together. Odd, isn't it too, that given this idea she would admit later in her profile that her "friends consider me lazy."

Her "interests" are clearly designed to present the image of a serious, well-read, adult individual who is greatly concerned about the welfare of humankind and who deeply reflects upon the issues of the day. It includes such weighty matters as "philosophy," "politics," "humanitarian service," "superhero-ing"... oh, wait... that's not what HER "interests" are, I am thinking bout MY dating profile from back in the day!!! No, HER "interests" include, uhhhhh, aerobics, karaoke, and "beach." Yes, without the definite article.

Soooooooo, homeless shelters and sacrificing a year of college for a Mormon mission or to take care of granny is out of the question for this girl, it appears! Rather, she is a free-spirited teenager whose favorite word is "FUN" and primary complaint is "THAT ISN'T FUN" and primary compliment is "THAT'S/YOU'RE FUN!" In fact, she wants you to take her to concerts and insists that there is "nothing like a beer in your hand and sand between your toes!"

Yet, pathetically, she also notes, "I am bored with bars."

Here is the neurosis of the modern, femtardist Oprahite on parade: "My entire experience has degenerated into the quest for 'fun' and positive experiences, and my life and character have become so shallow that frankly, I am bored with it all."

Having sacrificed her children and marriage on the altar of "irreconcilable differences," the modern femtard (who is a girl-next-door only to Albert Camus) has come to the point at which the alcohol, the psych drugs, the booty calls, the spending of money, and the grinding of their collective behind against the groins of total strangers in clubs provides only temporary relief, or worse, distraction, from the inner vacuum that used to be filled with the self-sacrifice that necessarily accompanies the ability to love others.

Say what you will. Women, barefoot and pregnant, had a lot that the modern beer-swigging, hip-hopping, strip-clubbing, aerobics-performing, beachcombing, karaoke+giggles+eternal quest for fun, busty adolescents don't have.

They had character. They had peace. They had contentment. And they had the love and appreciation of men who would die for them.

Is it any wonder that someone as wholly self-absorbed as LQQKIN4HIM would, after a lifetime of self-centeredness, treat her potential dates as if they are second-class citizens by noting "my family and children will always come before you."

And given that statement, is it any wonder that she professes, "I can't seem to find what I want! I have plenty of friends... but need someone to make me the center of their world! Why is it so hard to find?"

I may have the answer to that question.... In fact, I think the answer to the question is contained within the question itself.

Chicks can't do math.

Let's get something straight, Chickies - God made you beautiful because you can't do math!!!

Blue-Eyed Seduction (her real screen name) is a 38-year old woman whose willowy blonde hair and pillowy lips (and other pillowy attractions, if you get my drift) make her every 15-year old's dream. Make her a teacher and she would be the motivation behind the whole Russian army pulling itself through puberty simultaneously.

And she really wants to be taken seriously (unfortunately). She is a financial advisor by trade, which is quite worrisome, when you read what she has to say about her mixed-race heritage:

I AM HALF BLACK FOOT INDIAN, IRISH AND WHITE.

Yes, she is half Blackfoot Indian, half Irish, and half Caucasian. Exactly. And this woman is gonna be calculating dividends, interest rates, and maybe balancing your money market account?

The one thing we know for sure about her is that she may be half Blackfoot, half Irish, and half white, but she is 100% bad at math.

See? This is why God gave chicks boobs - it's His divine exemption for you: you don't have to do math! Find a semi-bright guy to do it for you!

And for those of you who might be clients of Blue-Eyed Seduction, if she really is a financial advisor, you might want to find a semi-bright guy to do that for you as well.

Stupid Chick Trick of the Day: "Yo, whaddup?"

Time to practice your shuttingtheheckup....

Shundra is a 32-year old African-American who wants you to know that she speaks, that she speaks Ghettoese, and that she just keeps speaking long after it would have made sense to shut up.

Below, in all caps, is her actual dating profile. Yes, DATING profile. She expects you to ask her out based on this lunatic rant. If you are interested, she is quite satisfied with dinner and a movie. Since not everyone speaks Ghettopsycho, I have provided a translation of her ghettopsycho rant into the King's English....

O.K. MEN ITS LIKE THIS

Don't expect me to be rational, to negotiate, or even to be responsive to you and your needs. I am, after all, the modern, Black, Feminist woman! I make the rules and the world can go to hell if it doesn't like my rules!

I'VE BEEN ON HERE NOT EVEN 3 WKS I RECEIVED A COUPLE OF #'S & 1 OF THEM WAS FROM [name deleted] & 2 DAY HIS BABYMOMMA SOON 2 BE WIFE CALLED ME

Be certain that dating me just once will result in your being dragged onto the Jerry Springer show at least twice! I like to air my laundry in public!

I HAD NO CLUE HE WAS INVOLED WIT ANY 1, I DONT HAVE TIME FA FEMALES 2 BE CALLIN MY PHONE SO WHAT I'M ABOUT 2 SAY LISTEN & LISTEN WELL,

When one is as ghetto fabulous as I am, hangin out with chicks and learning to spell complex verbal units like "one," "to" and "for" are just too much of an investment to expect me to make. If you are going to cheat on me, it is really for the best if you keep it a secret, because I WILL make a scene!

I AM NOT ON HERE FA A 1 NITE STAND, BOOTY CALL, OR 2 BE DA SIDEKICK OR JUMPOFF, SO PLEASE SAVE YA SELF SUM TROUBLE BY NOT EVEN SENDIN ME YA # CAUSE IM GONNA BLAST U LIKE IM BLASTIN HIM

1) See "Jerry Springer" reference above....

2) Oprah has me convinced that no matter how much of a wastrel that I have been with my own life to this point, that I have the right to expect men to treat me as if I were not on psych drugs, had no criminal record, had a functioning car and credit card, and hadn't had six babies by seven different men.

I DO NOT HAVE TIME FA THESE CHILDISH A** GAMES

I am in my 30s and have just awakened to the fact that I have, myself, wasted three decades with my own childish a** games. When men were ready to settle down with me in my twenties, I was busy "having fun" and "living it up," because that is what the talking goat in my Women's Studies class said I could do now that the sexual revolution had taken place. Unfortunately, I didn't foresee some of the consequences of fulfilling my feminist destiny, so right now I don't need anyone else making a situation that I have already screwed up any worse. So even though I haven't managed to become an adult in three decades, I expect you guys to have your crap straight and pronto! I am, after all, a princess!

THIS IS HOW U GET CUT,

See "Jerry Springer" reference above....

SO BE REAL CAUSE IM ALWAYS 100 REAL,

You should act like what you really are, after all I am doing you the favor of letting you know that I am a ghetto fabulous psycho by posting this screed to a dating site. Remember the Golden Rule, fellas!

I DONT WANT NOBODY WHO IS STILL BANGIN DA BABYMOMMA, I DONT NOBODY'S HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND OR SUM WHO GAME AINT TIGHT, I MEAN D*** WHERE R MA REAL MEN AT, I LIKE 2 BE DA 1 & ONLY, THIS IS WHY IM SINGLE BECAUSE N***** ALWAYS TRYNNA GET SUM EXTRA A** ON DA SIDE BUT IM NOT DA 1. I NEED SUMBODY THATS GONNA BE MY PRINCE & IM HIS PRINCESS,

1) See "princess" reference above.

2) I am a real handful, as are all psychos. You will need to devote all of your time to romancing me because it is very difficult to a) get me into the straitjacket, and b) get me out of the straitjacket, so if you are wasting your energy bangin on the babymomma, you ain't gonna be able to keep up with me and my straitjacket olympics here.

BUT I C MEN R DA SAME ALL OVER NO MATTER WHERE U MOVE 2, I'M WRITIN THIS NOT BECAUSE I'M BITTER BUT BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF DA GAMES I'M READY 2 SETTLE DOWN BUT R MEN R NOT.

1) I can't spell, so I play phonetic games and hope you can figure it all out. But just wait and see how long it takes me to start complaining that you don't "communicate" with me!

2) I have wasted three decades of my life playin' games with my life, and it has made me exceedingly bitter to wake up and realize how I have wasted myself.

3) Though I have been playin' games my whole life, I don't like for the guys that are into me to be playin' games, because, after all, there are a different set of rules for guys and gals.

4) I had a blow up in my last relationship that was so bad that the cops told me I needed to get out of town. Now it looks like a second blow up is coming here! Where, oh, where can I go to find some milquetoast men who will simply be quiet and let me have my way as a "strong, independent, black woman?"

Online Dating Profile of the Day

High IQ? Actually, it's a tie....

It will never cease to amaze me how stupid chicks are. The stupidest chicks by far, however, are those who are thoroughly convinced of their own brilliance.

Moxxiegrrl is a 42 year old Caucasian female who has managed to accomplish some pretty incredible things in life! Like become the CEO of a company, you ask? Well, not exactly. Like discover a cure for AIDS? No, not really that either. Like earn a bazillion dollars in the stock market while raising a passel of well-adjusted kids? No, not exactly. Like have a scrumptious career as the hottest porn star ever. Uhhh, no. Well, what exactly has she done then? Oh, plenty - like get admitted to a public graduate school. Her profession is, of course, "student." She writes of herself that "I consider myself intelligent." Of course you do, sweetheart. And after all, it is your own thoughts and opinions that matter most, right? Now hurry and go put this bikini on, willya?

She then writes, "Politically speaking, I'm hoping to find someone who is not ashamed to admit they are a progressive Democrat or a liberal. Openmindedness is a virtue...."

Ok, slacktard. Let's reason this out since you are so intelligent, shall we? If you are having trouble finding a man who 1) is not ashamed to admit his libtard orientation while simultaneously 2) not residing in an insane ward, it is probably because the Democrat party has so thoroughly discredited itself that there is no man capable of thought either under or on top of a rock anywhere that does not blush to take his voter registration card out and see "D" impressed upon its face.

But what do you suppose Moxxietard means by "openmindedness" here? Well, when a touchy-feely femtard who considers herself enlightened and bright (and trust me, Moxx, a graduate degree in Women's Studies does not at all indicate that you have been enlightened, or even educated for that matter) whines that she can't find anybody who is sufficiently "openminded" for her taste, she is really saying this:

"While I feel that my Ph.D. in Russian Queer Literature indicates that I am quite bright, nevertheless when I get into a political discussion with a male auto mechanic at the local bar he always seems to be able to marshal more facts for his conservative/libertarian/middle-of-the-road views than I can. This makes me feel bad. I don't like to feel bad. Therefore, what I need is to find some milquetoast mumblegoof who is too much of a priss to even challenge my beliefs so that I will not have to defend them, which I obviously am incapable of doing, and therefore, I can continue to assert how bright I am while spouting a heaping, steaming pile of nonsense. Unchallenged by the truth, of course, my radical feminist queertard views look quite legitimate and that makes me feel all warm inside!"

Translation: When you see a woman listing "openmindedness" as a desirable trait in her online profile, you should read it as "I am looking for someone who will not confront my thoroughly erroneous radical feminist belief system with anything resembling logic or facts." Openmindedness, to the modern woman, is the ability to allow her to proudly maintain her irrational doctrines and build whole new stories into her castles in the air while smiling broadly and gently mouthing the phrase, "Yes, dear."